ok i tested a blank game and this time we did not get desynched on the rejoin, when we tried to add it it our main save (with other mods) we got desynch like before, but today we tried to retry the reconnect over and over and eventually my friend got in, then every 5 min or so he would desynch, so he hosted and i joined, we got same connection issues but after a while it stopped desynching so all is well on that front, no idea what makes it semi stable, but its playable now, however since we are slow at the game, normal diff is a bit too much for us on our current save, however we set difficulty to -3 (relaxed) in the mod config and difficulty dynamically adjusted based on player numbers to off, but when one of us joins the other the message in the chat says that the difficulty is set to -1 instead of -3